I've been going to my yoga studio off and on (mostly off lately) since the twins were 6 months old. It's not far from my house, has a variety of caring instructors, but still feels like a workout. I always leave sweating. Not that sweat means a good workout, but it does make me feel better psychologically.
Since I've confessed I needed to lose weight and work on getting healthy again, I kicked it off this weekend and went to yoga for the first time in a month and a half last night. The teacher last night is very spiritual in class. Sometimes it seems a bit too much, but most of the time it fits what we're trying to accomplish.
So after not being in a yoga class for awhile, I try to ease my way back in and modify poses so I don't wear myself out and get discouraged. I already feel like the biggest, frumpiest person in a room full of svelte yoginis so I try not to put too much pressure on myself, which is hard for me, but kinda the point of yoga.
So last night, near the end of a class where we've focused on our shoulders, our spiritual instructor informs us we're all going to try handstands. There's a nervous titter in the class and we all line our mats up against the wall. After a few tries she asked us how we're feeling and if anyone wants to share. I offer that trying handstands makes me nervous and when she asks why I say, "I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to hold myself up." Heck I'm a girl without strong arms and I haven't worked out in nearly two months. She repeats back to me in her best mystical voice, "Afraid you're not strong enough to hold yourself up?..."
I seriously started welling up and it was all I could do not to let tears drop down my checks in front of the entire class. I was really talking about not having strong enough arms and it's somehow turned into one of my biggest fears of not being able to take care of myself or ultimately my family.
I held it together for the rest of class and even tried the handstand a few more times. However, when I left class I was sick to my stomach and burst into tears in my car. I know crying can be a part of yoga and a good release but it may have been a bit much for my first class back.
I'm going to try to make it to a morning yoga class today so I can keep the momentum rolling and get over the last class quickly. Hopefully I'll feel better after class this time.
3 comments:
Proud of you.
I remember, quite clearly, being a new mom of 2. The first 2 weeks after my 2nd babygirl was born, I was juggling an almost-2-year old, the new baby, and a sweet case of PPD, which, in turn, elevated my OCD to obnoxious levels. Then, add in a husband who went back to work the day after the new addition was born and it made for a holy mess. What kept me sane? Hmmm...I wish I could tell you of a secret concoction that worked. However, every time i would look at those sweet faces, I knew that that was my reason right there. I had MANY crying jags. Oh, many. Sometimes, you just feel like you can't handle it all. But you can. Sometimes you feel like you're failing. But you're not. You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are capable. I don't even know you, but i know this. Just keep chugging. And keep going to yoga. :)
Thank you! I really appreciate the support.
Post a Comment